Hope is the thing with feathers

"Hope is the thing with feathers - / That perches in the soul - / And sings the tune without the words - / And never stops - at all -" Emily Dickinson

It's Christmas, and that means many things for many people. For Christians, it's a day to celebrate the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ, and the beginning of a wonderful promise of salvation and hope. But  I don't try and "keep the Christ in Christmas" because corporate greed and commercialism did a pretty sweet job of removing that already. Additionally, the whole idea of Christmas, the real meaty bits about why anyone should celebrate, has to do with hope and love for our fellow earthlings. My wish this year is that should you celebrate this remarkable day, and share messages of hope with your friends and family, as "hope is the greatest of the gifts we'll receive."

Best Holiday/Christmas Disney sequel ever. #ShamelessDisneyplug

But before I get too preachy, let me slow down a bit. The idea of hope is one that seems laughable to someone with a seizure disorder, especially one in the early stages of treatment and diagnosis. "I hope I won't have a seizure" has the same affect as what your loved ones HOPE they can to do help you, what you HOPE the medications will finally start to correct - these things (especially the first two) have no affect. There's nothing anyone can do, but hope.

And I hoped that I wouldn't have a seizure over the holidays. If you read my earlier posts, you knew how scared I was of having one on the MRI table on the 23rd, and how subsequently lucky it was that I didn't. But, unfortunately, I did have seizures yesterday - two be exact. And they did stop me from going to Church, a tradition that I always find meaningful because it fills me with the same hope that Christmas can bring. Instead, I had a clonic tonic, followed by a secondary generalized seizure at around 9 p.m. I made a feeble attempt to socialize upstairs with my to-be-in-laws, but was too tired and weak to put forth much of an effort after the fact, and fell asleep at around 10:30.

Seizures, are difficult to anticipate (the only clues I had to their imminent arrival was a headache, and too much alcohol). But figuring out the types of seizures experienced isn't JUST the job of the doctor, it's important to know what you, and your loved ones can expect. So kick back for a real quick education sesh (with information condensed from epilepsy.com/learn):

Absence Seizures: Lapses of awareness, often characterized by staring into space or "blanking out". These seizures can be difficult to see because they are both brief and subtle. In their "atypical form", a person can demonstrate some responsivity.

Atonic Seizures: Loss of muscle tone, or "drop attacks."

The Tonic/Clonics (sounds like a band name):

Myoclonic: Brief, shock-like jerking that lasts a few seconds.

Tonic: Stiffening of muscles, in which a person can be literally contorted.

Clonic: Convulsions, in which a person jerks repeatedly and cannot be restrained. These (alone) are somewhat rare.

Tonic-Clonic (often thought of as grand mal seizures): Stiffening, convulsions, and loss of consciousness is usually reported. These seizures can last several minutes.

Simple vs. Complex Partial Seizures: These are a little tricky to explain, but they can involve a significant or small change in the motor, sensory, or physic functions of an individual, including changes in thoughts, the presence of hallucinations, etc. These typically last about two minutes, and can be confused with a host of other symptoms and ailments, so can be difficult to correctly diagnose them. In contrast, Complex Partial Seizures affect multiple areas of the brain, are associated with auras (a warning, like a bad particularly taste in your mouth) and involves automatisms (like lip smacking). Sometimes, ESPECIALLY in my case, these seizures turn into...

Secondary Generalized Seizures: These seizures start at one side of the brain, and move to others, can last 1-3 minutes, and usually involve a long recovery process (like a very long nap). According to epilepsy.com, "These seizures occur in more than 30% of patients with partial epilepsy" and occur "after initial seizure activity is detected." I suspect this is why I have seizures, about 2/3 of the time, in groups of two.

As you can probably see, knowing the different types of seizures can help with having productive conversations with your treatment team, and pinpointing symptoms that may be indicative of larger problems. For instance, I am certain that while I've had tonic-clonic seizures on and off throughout my entire life, my sensory processing disorder was probably due to simple seizures in childhood. Moreover, the subtlety of absence seizures made me completely unaware of their presence in my life, but several friends and family members have made comments about me "spacing out." Of course, like many, it took my first big grand mal/clonic tonic seizure to start putting together the 1,000+ piece puzzle that depicts my condition.

Not to bombard you with information, but since it is the holidays, and many spend this time with family trying not to turn into a drunk mess or punch an annoying relative, I've included a link to a VERY useful, and therapeutic website. I encourage you to share this link with the people you love, as it can be difficult to explain how the pressures of the holidays can exacerbate seizure symptoms.

Stress and the Holidays - What it Could Mean for You

Finally, I wish you and your family a very happy holiday, full of this thing called hope, that never stops - at all.