Running Interference

Bob and his friends (see below for information about Bob).

Imagine, sitting in a windowless, basement office. Your fingers are swiftly tapping on the muted keys of the Macbook as it glows an effervescent blue color. The office dehumidifier hums in the background as it tries to maintain the integrity of the oxygen in the air. Your coworkers tap in a disharmonious rhythm on their own laptops. And the fake fluorescent light high on the wall seems to pulsate blocks of bright, white light, as do the hanging lamps scattered across the office. Your desk lamp is pointed down, only turned on to give the appearance of being non-vampiric, because the yellow light is growing increasingly toxic to your current condition.

As you stare at the screen, blinking when the white dialogue box becomes too bright, you notice Bob. Bob is what you've named the floater in your eyes , the one that seems to visit more and more often, even after you begin a new course of medication. And Bob isn't going away today, neither is the nausea, the acute pain produced by any sound, and the pulsating, glowing lights. Amplifying the migraine with aura is the Percocet meant to relieve the pain. The aura intensifies as the migraine persists - the tingling in my left palm eventually leads to total numbness.

More About Migraines with Auras

Imagine being me right now. I am tired after drinking a large latte full of life-saving caffeine. I am nauseous after eating a small TV dinner, and have spent the last several days struggling to eat even small amounts of food. I am unable to shift my point of vision to the left or right without feeling pain in my eyes that radiates across my entire scalp. I look straight ahead, unable to shake off the eerie feeling of paranoia that seems to accompany my migraines.

And this is the bodily environment in which I am expected to complete difficult, new, and growing tasks at the job I've held for a little over a month. Unable to work from home, I feel the presence of my coworkers sharply - and try to appear as healthy and well as possible. I struggle to match their levels of productivity, or at the very least, be competitive. But the throbbing pain, which offers brief glimpses of reprieve as a cruel tease, refuses to be ignored. So, I spend my workdays running interference between the person I truly am and the person I need to appear to be. 

My saving Grace, a gel-beaded eye mask - served frozen, no ice.

I have lost count of how many days in a row I have had a migraine, but it has certainly surpassed a week. It probably began prior to my hospitalization, and certainly shows no signs of letting up. Part of me feels that I shouldn't have to work so hard to mask the intensity of the pain, but it is also scarcely appropriate to lie in the darkness under my desk. So I brace for each impact of the migraine, as I try to complete my work each day. 

Your brain on an aura. 

I don't know how people with chronic migraines are able to raise children, how they are able to run businesses, how they are able to stay in shape and remain active. I don't know how migraine sufferers can hold down jobs. I don't understand how these people live beyond, or even in spite of, the fear of the next migraine. And yet, like myself, I know that people are able to do all of these things as they live with migraines, working through several treatments that don't work until eventually/inevitably, they find something that works.

THIS CLOSE. 

Those people, the ones right next to you, might not look like they have all of this energy whirling around in their head - but their are people that are suffering, and they are doing so in secret. I hope that more people treat the people in their lives with empathy, compassion, and kindness - because you really never know someone else's struggle.