The Reign of the Migraine

When I was three years old, I remember vividly my first migraine. It may seem strange that a three-year old could remember something so acutely, since memory is still forming at that age. But I remember so truly the deep despair, the confusion over a horrific sensation I failed to understand or articulate, and the fear that the pain would never relent. In between groans of agony and furrowed eyebrows, I remember asking my mother if I was dying, even though I didn't really know what it meant to die, I just knew that it was the worst thing that could happen to a person, and this certainly met those standards. As it is with migraines, I vomited, wept, and slept; a process which took hours to complete. I woke up anew, migraine-free, but burdened with a condition that would plague me for the rest of my life.

SAME GOES FOR ASPIRIN, ADVIL, ALEVE, ETC. JUST NO. 

Fast forward to today. After years and years and years of suffering, my migraines are more volatile than ever. I've moved from the trusted OTC remedy Excedrin, which sustained me for most of my life, to Fioricet, which has a moderate success rate, to Percocet, which sometimes ends the migraine and sometimes amplifies it. I've failed at two preventative remedies, Imitrex and Topamax, as I was allergic to both. Now, as I embark on a new treatment schedule, which will eventually include Botox, I feel slightly more in control of the migraines as they continue to wreak havoc on my life.

Couldn't see "Star Wars" because movie theatres can trigger seizures. #irony

I could attempt to dictate what it feels like to have a real migraine. I could try to articulate the physical and psychological hell the sufferer experiences as they wait for it all to pass, praying that the medication works. And the battle with chronic migraines is never-ending, unless you consider brief, medication-induced reprieves some kind of end. And yet, society treats this illness with the same levity as period cramps, or acne (both are serious conditions, but neither one can cause blindness, profuse vomiting, or pain that resists explanation).

For whatever reason, Migraines have failed to strike much fear, empathy, or compassion into the hearts of those who are living or dealing with a sufferer. Calling out of work with a migraine marks you as weak, and is immediately deemed suspicious. Canceling plans make you a bitch, not someone with a chronic medical condition. Living for days in a darkened room makes you a depressed recluse, not a physically ill person. Migraine sufferers are expected to live in pain, while simultaneously conducting business as usual - a feat any sufferer knows is nearly impossible, even with medication. 

Needles, everywhere.

To be willing to inject Botulism into your head positions someone as desperate. The idea frightens and sickens me, and somehow, I cannot WAIT until March - when I will have health insurance that will cover the procedures. And truthfully, I would eat raw, stinking cow dung if it came with the promise that I would not be attacked with a migraines. But medications have a dubious success rate, and my body is so ravaged by the pain that it converts it into seizures. I can literally NOT handle the pain. 

This post may seem to ramble, but the message is this: Migraines are real, chronic, devastating, legitimate, physical illnesses. Those that suffer from migraines should not also have to suffer the stigma that comes along with them; they should not be branded as weak, attention-seeking, or crazy. They should be respected for the strength it takes to move forward in life being shadowed by the presence of pain, and supported by those that approach them with understanding and support. I am lucky in that many people in my life understand and support me, and unlucky that their support comes from first-hand experience. 

To Queen Migraine, we are all just humble servants. And one day, if you're lucky enough to live without them, she will find a new servant as a plaything, and you will wish you had been more compassionate and understanding. But, for those of us that fight to live life under her sovereignty, we will be there to help you make sense of it.